Archives: Why Zombies Suck

Part I

To all the zombies out there; you guys suck.

What's probably worse than a zombie is a movie about zombies, or more to the point; people getting killed by them.

Let's get down to business:
How do you get yourself killed by the equivilent of a vertical slab of decomposing meat that's moving so slowly at you it might as well be going backwards (hitting/impaling yourself with one doesn't count).

I've seen legless donkeys blowing in the wind going faster then zombies.

What to do if you see a zombie coming after you -
1. Sprint in the opposite direction for a good 5 minutes and stop.
Chances are you can stay in that spot for the rest of your life and die of old age before the zombie catches up.
2. If it does manage to catch up to you without decomposing first (we're talking the Linford Christie of zombies here), just give it a good hard poke in the ribs. This will most likely cause the zombie to meet it's end through falling apart.

What not to do but always happens in movies -
1. Run in slow motion only to trip over that pesky thin air that came out of nowhere. Then proceed to stare in horror at the slab of meat moving at you until it gets to you and starts eating your brain.
This = death.

2. Run and successfully not fall on your face, but lock yourself into a car or basement or other immobile death trap. Now just sit around (for what's probably in reality a few days but typically a few minutes in movies; think teleporting zombies) and wait for your friendly neighbourhood ghouls to show up and start slamming their faces against the windows.
Now add in some panic and congrats genius, you've succeeded in slow painful suicide, or homicide, if you decided to bring the wife and kids with you.
Good going.

Basically, zombies = lame.

That means you Ben.

Meanwhile, amuse yourself trying to build a marshmallow gun here [link]
Defend yourself from those zombies today, all you need is a few tubes and some marshmallows.

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Part II

I'm sure you all remember my rant on zombies before? and surely enough the insanity continues.
Partially sparked by what I ate earlier while watching a Japanese zombie movie; while munching I had a brilliant idea:

Have you ever thought about the supposed domino effect of going back in time, modifying something tiny and insignificant and it having a major effect many decades later?

Well how about if someone went back in time and slapped the guy who invented the idea of zombies with a giant blueberry waffle.

Maybe then, we'd have movies like Dawn of the Waffles and Death Before Breakfast etc. instead of this zombie crap we have to put up with.

Sounds good to me, and besides, a vibrating waffle would prolly move quicker too, so you get less of the waiting and more of the action... whatever that might be.

And you know what else, instead of the common mix up between zombies and ghouls, you could instead have the savoury potato waffles versus the sweet dessert waffles.

Ahh life would be so much better.

Have a nice day.

*throws a waffle*